B&B’s Perfect Golfer Frankenstein-Style

Remember, as a kid, when you’d selectively take apart your action figures by (gently) ripping their arms off, taking their accessories (shields, lightsabers, and helmets) and re-assembling them into one Thanos-level ass-kicking beast? A red Power Ranger base, with a Captain America shield in one hand and a Luke Skywalker lightsaber in the other – maybe throw on the Hulk’s legs, too? Or Barbies.

Imagine you’re that Frankensteiner kid again. Only now with a rabid love of all-things professional golf.

If you could assemble the perfect golfer (think Tiger Woods 1997-2002) with parts from the best players in the world, who’d you pick and what would you pick? Well, here is that scenario right here for today’s modern golf star…

From head to toe:

  • Hair: Cam Smith
    • No brainer and no further comment needed. Fleetwood was an honorary mention, but the mullet just makes this golfer *chef’s kiss* so recognizable and envious to so many golfers who hide their receding hairline with a hat. Bonus points for the porn stache. Runner-up: Daly (See below)

Photo Credit: Compleatgolfer.com

  • Mental Game: Scottie Scheffler
    • The guy is almost a bore to watch, an absolute steady-eddie emotionally, with nothing seeming to rattle his cage. Well, maybe just the pressure of picking the Champions Dinner menu. Viewers who saw him stressed and pressing a bit during the Masters were certainly surprised at that uncommon display of emotion from the former No. 1 golfer in the world. No doubt he has that “IT” factor between his ears.

Photo Credit: Rob Carr/Getty Images

  • Core/Frame/Booty: Jon Rahm
    • This was a tough one. Do you want the absolute power unit Rahm? Or something long and lean like DJ? Or small in stature but efficient and powerful like Rory? Ultimately, game recognize game, and someone’s green jacket is newer and shinier. Rahm looks like he’d even excel pulverizing linebackers, channeling his inner Mike Alstott. There’s no way his trunk fits in off-the-shelf TravisMathew slacks. Those are tailored threads, sir.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

  • Hands/Touch: Jordan Spieth
    • When he’s on, HE’S ON. The guy’s chipping touch and greenside prowess continues to impress year over year. His creativity and ability to execute shots makes watching Spieth on the broadcast phenomenal TV viewing. He is a bit jumpy though, so we will stay away from his mental game. But that just makes Spieth and Greller’s soap-opera dialogue before every shot an added-bonus for fans.

Photo Credit: PGA of America

  • Vision/Putting: Jason Day
    • After back issues and a battle with vertigo, Jason is finding a groove again. Only 4 months into the calendar year, Day has 6 Top-10 finishes and 11 Top-25 finishes, which is better than what he did the previous 2 seasons combined. That’s directly attributed to his game on the greens. The man’s putting stroke is effortless and silky. An envy of amateur viewers at home. Is he this generation’s Faxon? Big difference is he already has a Major and proved this year he has plenty left in the tank and a game to capture (at least) another one before he reaches Champions Tour status. Vegas agrees.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

  • Personality/Dance Moves: Tony Finau
    • I mean, what else needs to be said? Happy go lucky, easy going, family man, friend to all – I can keep making up more phrases if you’d like. Is there anyone who has a bad thing to say about Tony? Maybe his orthopedist and trainers after seeing Tony pop his own ankle back into place at the 2018 Masters Par 3 event? He is literally the defending “nicest guy on tour.” I’m starting my campaign now to have Finau featured in every Netflix Full Swing Season 2 episode.

Photo Credit: Randy Dodson

  • Voice: John Daly.
    • We just wanted to add him to this list because he is damn near perfect at being imperfect. And he can spit out a catch phrase and carry a tune better than any pro golfer in history.

Who’d we miss?

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